Akatsuki Goes Shopping!
by The Ultimate Saiyan
Summary: REVISED 9-4-10 Oneshot. Crackfic. Akatsuki goes shopping. Naturally, all hell breaks loose. Rated T for Hidan's barnyard mouth and Tobi's sheer stupidity.


Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did, Orochimaru would get beat up by an old lady.

* * *

It was a normal day at the Akatsuki Lair.

Of course, the Akatsuki were _anything_ but normal.

Everyone was just sitting around doing their own little thing.

"Kakuzu!" shouted Hidan, "You motherfucker, where did you hide my fuckin' sythe?"

"I didn't hide it." Kakuzu replied, "You probably left it lying around in our pigsty of a room."

"I can't misplace something that fuckin' big, asshole!" the Jashinist shouted as he made a fist at Kakuzu.

"Don't call me asshole, you cunt!" Kakuzu shouted as he made his own fist.

"Guys, guys!" Kisame called as he stepped between the two, "There's no need to fight, we're all buddies here!"

Hidan was about to cuss again, but he was captivated by his fellow Akatsuki member.

"No, Elizabeth!" Itachi sniffled to the TV, "Broderick does love you! He just got amnesia!"

Everyone in the living room stared at the Uchiha.

"I-I mean..." Itachi stuttered as he changed the channel, "YEAH! LOOK AT THAT BODYSLAM!"

"...It's too late, Itachi." Deidara started, "Now we know why you don't take any missions from 5 to 6, un."

"...Damn."

Sasori sighed. "Well now that we're enlightened to Itachi's latent homosexuality, I'm gonna go get some milk."

"I thought you didn't eat, Pinocchio." Kisame said.

Sasori's eyes widened as he revealed his true form. **"ENOUGH WITH THE PINOCCHIO JOKES!"** he shouted, **"IT WAS FUNNY AT FIRST, BUT NOW IT'S FUCKING STUPID, JUST LIKE YOU!"**

"Sasori, calm down before we have shark fin soup for dinner." Zetsu said calmly. **"Yes...we should have some human fin soup instead..."** "...Human's don't have fins." **"Shut up, bitch."**

Sasori put his cloak back on as he walked into the kichen.

"...You okay, fishy-fucker?" Hidan asked Kisame.

Kisame had sweat running down his face, tears running down his eyes, and (possibly) piss running down his leg.

"...Our fridge is empty." Sasori said, calmly walking out.

"What about the milk I bought last week?" Kakuzu asked.

"More like last month." Sasori replied as he threw the milk carton at Kakuzu, making curds and rotten milk fly all over the place.

Kakuzu disgustingly wiped his face clean. "You've done it now, puppet boy."

"Let's go, gramps!"

**"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"**

As if on cue, Tobi ran in between Sasori and Kakuzu, causing the two to fall backwards onto Hidan.

"YOU MASKED MOTHERFUCKER!" shouted Hidan, "YOU WRINKLED MY FUCKING ROBE!"

"Wahhhh!" Tobi shouted as he avoided Hidan, "Senpai!"

"No, un." Deidara sighed, "Hidan, please kill him."

"With pleasure!" Hidan said as he pulled Tobi's mask off to reveal...

"What the fuck?" Hidan asked, "Another mask?"

Tobi stood there stoically.

Hidan began to rip off more and more masks, as they kept replenishing.

* * *

Hidan had a pile of masks laying behind him, and was still ripping off masks as Tobi sighed in boredom.

"What...is...up...with...these...fucking...masks?" Hidan asked as he collapsed from exhaustion.

"...Tobi is STILL a good boy."

Then Pein walked down the stairs, Konan in tow.

"Attention Akatsuki." Pein started, "It has come to my attention that we must go grocery shopping."

"Oh Pein-sama..." Konan smiled as she fell into his arms, "You're so smart..."

"Not now Konan..." Pein whispered, "Not in front of Itachi..."

"...Why not in front of Itachi-sama?" Tobi asked out loud.

"You know...because he's gay and all..."

Itachi twitched. "I'm not gay."

"...Then why do you always watch soap operas?"

"...Where else am I supposed to get my dramatic one-liners from?"

"...True, true."

Itachi sighed. "Just for that little gay quip, I'm driving."

Everyone sighed.

"You can't fucking drive, you blind son of a bitch!" Hidan shouted.

"Tsukuyomi!"

* * *

A van with the Akatsuki pattern had just come to a complete stop in a parking lot.

"That was totally wicked!" Kisame shouted, jumping out of the passenger seat.

"I know!" Itachi replied, jumping out of the driver's seat, "I totally avoided the cops!"

"YEAH!" they both shouted as they chest-bumped.

Deidara slowly stepped out of the van, his hair messed up and his eyes bloodshot. "...Hey Konan, could you help me fix my ponytail?"

The bluenette did not hear him as she was too busy making out with Pein in the back seat.

"...Konan?"

Hidan and Kakuzu were the next to step out.

"...Fuck man, that was some crazy shit." Hidan said to himself.

Kakuzu screamed in horror as he looked at a dent on the door. **"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THIS WILL COST TO FIX?" **he shouted, **"ITACHI, YOU IRRESPONSIBLE BASTARD! KNOW I KNOW WHY YOUR BROTHER HATES YOU!"**

Sasori's body fell out of the van and began to pick itself up.

"Okay, now come back and get me." the head commanded from inside the van.

"Move to the left...not that much...now to the right-"

Sasori heard the sound of metal crashing into wood.

"...No, that's a light pole."

Then he saw his body get run over by another car, but it left his heart intact.

"...Great." Sasori sighed, now I have to watch Konan and Pein make out for the next half hour..."

Konan began to undress Pein.

"Honey...not in front of Sasori..."

Konan threw Sasori's head into the glove compartment and continued to undress Pein.

"...I can still hear, you know!"

* * *

Deidara was standing in the cereal isle and he was currently debating what cereal to buy.

"This one has more flavor...but this one has more servings..." Deidara thought to himself, "I only have-"

**CHOMP!**

Deidara looked at his right hand to see that the mouth on it had eaten his money.

...Damn.

* * *

Itachi and Kisame were in the frozen food section, where Itachi was inspecting some food.

"Itachi-sama..." Kisame whined, "why did you bring me here? You know I'm uncomfortable in this section..."

"Relax, Kisame." Itachi replied. "I promise not to pick up any seafood. Now what do you think about this pizza?"

"...Kisame?"

Kisame was currently embracing a pack of anchovies. "Daddy loves you!" he said as he began to cry.

Itachi sighed. He hadn't seen so much emotion since Orochimaru found out snakes were considered a delicacy in some parts.

* * *

"...There's no fucking affordable food here." Hidan said as he scanned the price list.

"...For once, I think we might actually agree on something."

"Kakuzu-sama!" Tobi rushed up to Kakuzu holding a box of animal crackers, "can we get it?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"It's too expensive."

"Wahhh!"

"Fine, fine!" Kakuzu shouted. "Give it to me."

"That's what she said!" Hidan laughed.

"...I don't get it." Kakuzu and Tobi said together.

"Fine." Hidan sighed, "I'll just sit here and laugh at my own comic genius."

Kakuzu then looked around and shoved the animal crackers into his cloak.

Tobi gasped. "Kakuzu-sama is stealing!"

Then a bunch of policemen came and took Kakuzu away.

"DAMN YOU TOBI!"

* * *

The groceries were all loaded up in the back of the van and everyone was going home.

"...Pein-sama?" Itachi asked, looking into his rear-view mirror, "Why do you have that big bump on your head?"

"Well...I hit the roof a couple times..." Pein laughed as both him and Konan blushed bright red.

"How could you...oh." Kisame realized.

"You sly bastard!" Hidan smiled, "Did you pull out the other Five Paths?"

Pein blushed even more.

"He didn't need to..." Konan smiled, "Just one was good enough."

Kakuzu whispered in Hidan's ear. "It's a good thing we installed that security camera in their bedroom, huh?"

Hidan chuckled, "You said it, gramps!"

"Still..." Zetsu started, "I can't help but feel that we're forgetting something."

"No shit, you think?" Sasori called from inside the glove compartment.

**"No...something else..."**

"Hey!" Tobi shouted as he ran after the van, "Wait for meeee!"**  
**


End file.
